Missing Someone

It's funny. The weirdest things can set off a spasm of missing someone. One minute you're watching Pretty Woman, noting Julia Roberts' innate ability to wear even thigh high hooker boots and still look innocent, and the next, you're flat on your back, feeling like you're wading through miles and miles of swamp trying to get through the next hour closer to seeing him.

And just as quickly as you sank into the pit of despair, God pulls your limp body out with one simple reminder such as "Do not be anxious for anything" or "He will fill your mouths with laughter, your lips with shouts of joy!" And you're back, plodding along, actually enjoying the movie again.

The strangest things comfort me: knowing what time it is where he is, for one. Why do I care to know what time it is there? Will it bring him closer to me or assure me of his safety? No. But somehow, it causes me to feel closer to him.

Brianna said she looked up (on google of course) the Pizza Hut they were eating at. And she said it was really beautiful. The Pizza Hut. And yet, as stupid as it may sound, both she and I were enormously comforted by that Pizza Hut.

I think that the first few days are hardest. Maybe I'm wrong, but when the countdown says 45 days... hope seems fleeting. But even now, the number 42, everything seems a little brighter. I'm keeping busy. And God is working in me during this time. For instance, today I realized that I've been given three gifts already!

#1. Brianna is a comfort and a joy to me. She knows what I feel, deeper even, and she knows how to put things in perspective when I don't. And when she loses her perspective, I manage to pull some wisdom out of nowhere. That's God for you!

#2. As silly as it seems, since he's been gone, I've been getting back to my normal sleep schedule. No more frantic evenings of talking on the phone- trying to soak up as much time with one another as possible before the phone calls become nearly non-existent and time together is reduced to a fleeting "Hi-I'm-alive-Bye" conversation or a hurried email sent from an internet cafe. Now, I go to bed early. Sort of depressing to think that I have nothing to stay up for... But nonetheless, I enjoy my 9:30 bedtimes. Because now, I get to wake up early and exercise. And I'm spending an awful lot of time exercising. Gotta get my emotions out somewhere!

#3. The most important thing I've been given in the past few days is a renewed vigor for leaning on the Lord. It's amazing how much of the time I try to do it all on my own. And it's for nothing! God WANTS to carry this burden for me. I praise him for being so patient with me as I try to wrestle my anxious heart back from him. I mean, COME ON, I need that anxious heart- it may be flawed, but it's my flaw and I want it back. For security purposes. But it doesn't take long to place it back at His feet. This six weeks is my chance to refocus, renew and refresh my heart, finding my joy in the Lord.

That being said... I am missing someone. Nothing is going to change that... but I am going to look for every gosh darn positive thing I can muster up out of this situation.