A Brief Rant

I will now rant:

Drugs are not only killers, they are family ruiners, people ripper-aparters, friendship destroyers and frankly, the scourge of the Earth. Drugs manage to turn someone who was initially crushing on the cute cheerleader to someone who thinks that the most important thing in the world is getting his next high. They turn someone who used to tell her friends about foreign countries she wanted to visit to someone who won't call her friends back.

Addiction is synonymous with loss. It is the equivalent of trapped. Addicts are stripped of their lives, their families, their loves, their hopes and given, in return, nothing but pain.

I want to cry when I think about how much potential has gone unused because beautiful hearts, souls and minds that would have otherwise gone on to fulfill their God given potential, were stopped by a blossoming addiction. Who knows how many cures for disease, beautiful pieces of art, how much world changing music, paradigm shifting diplomacy has been flushed down the toilet because beautiful, intelligent, talented people got caught in an addiction.

My rant is over. It ends in sadness but not futility. This fight is not over. Recovery is possible. People may not be able to change, but God can change them.

Oh, the view from the 20's....

Do you ever look back on something and think, "How did I do that?!" Well, I'm feeling that right now as I look backwards to the day when I had 44 more days until I would see Kyle again. Now, it's only 26 (well, technically 26 in an hour and a half) and the view from the twenties is looking preeeetty good to me. Of course, get back to me when I'm in single digits and ask me how I'm doing then...

God is my refuge lately. He always has been, but there are just some times in your life that he becomes your hiding place. Sometimes, it's in the midst of crisis: I've been there. But other times, there's not a major crisis but you feel too weak to do it alone. I know that I am supposed to be depending on God for everything: I CAN'T do it alone. However, sometimes, that fact is more readily believed than at other times. Now, as I pray and miss and desperately try to stay in the present rather than aching for the future, I find that my greatest times of peace come when I'm in His arms. He hides me from all the fears and sadness that I am running from.

"Oh, no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm! Oh, no, you never let go, every high and every low! Oh, no, you never let go, oh, you never let go of me!"

Matt Redman's song You Never Let Go was so encouraging to me today. I realized how much power I have on my side: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear." My king is a conquering king...

Anyways, the view from the twenties is great. With each day that passes, I am learning more about me, more about him and most importantly, more about HIM. I'm so blessed. When I was interrogating Kyle the other day on Facebook chat, I asked him if he was happy. It took him a little while to answer but one thing he said in response made me think: "I am content and joyful in the Lord." I know that he may not be happy right now. I am not happy per say. I miss him terribly! But I am content and joyful in the Lord. And that's not on my own strength but with the strength and power of my conquering King, who has invited me and everyone else to his wedding feast!

Holy Holy HOLY

Okay... two main points for this post:

#1. My God is awesome and amazing and inspiring!

#2. So is my boyfriend.

This morning, I woke up and reached groggily for my computer which now sits on my bed, ready for me to check my email at any moment during the day or night. :) I didn't expect an email from Kyle because I had just gotten one on Sunday but there, in my inbox, was one from kbell. I immediately made myself comfortable so I could read in absolute peace and clicked with so much excitement.

It was a LONG email. I was getting used to pretty rushed ones (okay, so I've gotten 2 other ones) and to see that I would have to scroll was so exciting. Let's face it, it's the little things like that that make life happy. The email was encouraging in so many ways. I know it's stupid and probably a little selfish, but when he says he misses me, I feel so good. Maybe it's because it's hard for anyone to understand how I feel right now and knowing that he and I are in this thing together makes me feel not so lonely in my feelings.

He shared something amazing that I just want to scream from the rooftops. So here goes:

"We had a gospel meeting at the sight of a Hindu alter in front of fifty unbelievers. At least seven of them accepted the message in some way. I sang revelation song and played the guitar."

This would be really awesome by itself but I burst into tears when I saw which song he'd played because that is the song that I wept and worshiped and sang through tears on Sunday morning. All of a sudden, in a flash, I felt like Kyle and I were so near to one another and it was all thanks to God, who orchestrates things in the strangest ways. Sunday, I'm helping to lead worship singing Revelation Song and then Monday, Kyle is leading worship and singing the same song. I am, to quote that very song,

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder at the mention of Your name. Jesus, Your name is power, breath and living water! Such a marvelous mystery!"

When I was praying this morning, I felt so close to Him and to him. See, that's the beauty of a relationship that has Jesus at the center. You are never that far from the other person because God is the tie that is between you and He is so very present and binds us together.

Seek Him. It's the best thing you could ever do with your life.

Thunderstorm Musings

Well, what a fabulous day! It never ceases to amaze me how God seems to know just how to romance me. Yesterday was difficult for me. I missed Kyle so much and I didn't really feel like the day would ever end. But it did, and when I woke up this morning- wide awake at 6:45- I knew that today was going to kick yesterday's butt. :)

Brianna and I drove to Helen early this morning and made the trek up to the bottom of Anna Ruby Falls. We were walking so fast up the trail (which was steeper than I thought and ended up being a good little exercise) that this older couple who were on their way down starting cheering us on and said, "You girls must be in much better shape than us!" That made me giggle. When we got to the base of the falls, we sat down on the beautiful wooden benches that line the whole viewing area and just talked for an hour or so. There was a slight mist from the waterfall and we got to do some extreme people watching. There were the requisite moms who had taken their little ones on a day trip and then the families who were obviously on vacation (think camera bags, Hawaiian shirts and sunscreen) and then there were the fun ones (think 70 year old woman with the skin of a well worn saddle and heavily penciled in eyebrows wearing only a beach cover up which showed off her voluminous thighs). We even got a close up examination of many of these people because we became the resident family photographers for the entire tourist population. We just couldn't sit by and let people try to utilize the timers on their camera.

We finally decided to pack it up. Strangely enough, on the way back down we were told by another elderly couple to be careful going so fast. I quote: "Your feet might not keep up with your head and you'll (miming rolling down the mountain with his hands)..." I assured him we would be fine and kept power walking. We then ate lunch at my favorite place to eat a sandwich ever: The Market . Brianna commented on how I was a good decision maker because I ordered so quickly but I assured her that the only reason that was possible was the fact that I woke up dreaming of the chicken salad on veggie bread that I was going to eat. It's the only thing I've ever had there!

When we got back to my house, there was an email for each of us waiting from Kyle and Brett. Short emails, yes, but so encouraging. We hadn't heard anything from them personally since they have been gone and I was worried about actually getting an email... I'm not sure what I was worried about- maybe that he would feel pressured to write or that he was come across as being unhappy. But there was an abundance of smiley faces which made me giggle and I blushed twice while reading it. I read it over and over again and in some ways, it's nice to have gotten an email instead of a phone call because it lasts a little longer. But I miss hearing his voice.

No matter how many ways I try to mold the amount of days left into different conglomerations, it always ends up seeming long. I mean, in weeks, days, fortnights- just long. Brianna definitely wins the prize for most creative idea: "Why don't we just count down the days left in June and then we'll count down the days in July when we get there?" The idea was sound: two smaller numbers instead of one bigger one. But I don't know about the whole starting a new countdown in July. But if we swing it her way, we have 15 more days in June and 23 more days in July.

Or.... they will be home in 38 days. Just simply being out of the forties is relieving. Forty five days sounded endless. But it isn't. And even though some days have dragged on, the sun continues to set. Every single gosh darn day, that thing dips back below the horizon and goes I don't even know where. And when I wake up, it's back and we start again. So, I have no great proof that tomorrow will be any different. Let me assure you- if the sun doesn't set tomorrow and the day lasts more than 24 hours, I will be sure to note it here. But somehow, I don't think that's going to happen. :) We'll see.

Light of the World

This morning, I had a weepy morning in church. It wasn't sad weepy, it was just falling at the feet of God weepy. I felt the enormous power of God and His Holy Spirit (the Spirit of Truth) while singing the great Steve Fee song Glory to God.

See, I often mistake my fears for other feelings, but when I name them and bring them to the Lord, I begin the process of eliminating them. I was kneeling at the altar and it struck me that God is so incredibly powerful. And when we were singing "He wraps himself in light, and darkness tries to hide and trembles at his voice," I was overwhelmed by how big of a force I have on my side. There is so much evil and danger in the world and it can seep into your consciousness and poison your entire outlook. But those dangers, evils, darknesses tremble at His voice.

Our pastor gave a wonderful sermon that was so encouraging to me. He read from Exodus when the Israelites are leaving Egypt and he leads them into the desert. During the day, there is a cloud that protects them from the sun and during the night, a pillar of fire stands watch, bringing light and safety with it. Pastor Kase pointed out how some people will wonder where is OUR pillar of fire? Where is our direction and light? Well, the answer is found in John: Jesus says, "I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." And in this way, God has provided us with the same almighty pillar of fire: in the form of JESUS. And when we follow and let him lead us, we are provided with the direction and safety that the Israelites received from the pillar of fire and cloud that accompanied them.

So to recap, before the sermon, I was weeping about how powerful God was that darkness, which I fear, trembles at His voice and then after the sermon, I was weeping about how thankful I am that the light of the world is my savior.

What a great Sunday morning!

Missing Someone

It's funny. The weirdest things can set off a spasm of missing someone. One minute you're watching Pretty Woman, noting Julia Roberts' innate ability to wear even thigh high hooker boots and still look innocent, and the next, you're flat on your back, feeling like you're wading through miles and miles of swamp trying to get through the next hour closer to seeing him.

And just as quickly as you sank into the pit of despair, God pulls your limp body out with one simple reminder such as "Do not be anxious for anything" or "He will fill your mouths with laughter, your lips with shouts of joy!" And you're back, plodding along, actually enjoying the movie again.

The strangest things comfort me: knowing what time it is where he is, for one. Why do I care to know what time it is there? Will it bring him closer to me or assure me of his safety? No. But somehow, it causes me to feel closer to him.

Brianna said she looked up (on google of course) the Pizza Hut they were eating at. And she said it was really beautiful. The Pizza Hut. And yet, as stupid as it may sound, both she and I were enormously comforted by that Pizza Hut.

I think that the first few days are hardest. Maybe I'm wrong, but when the countdown says 45 days... hope seems fleeting. But even now, the number 42, everything seems a little brighter. I'm keeping busy. And God is working in me during this time. For instance, today I realized that I've been given three gifts already!

#1. Brianna is a comfort and a joy to me. She knows what I feel, deeper even, and she knows how to put things in perspective when I don't. And when she loses her perspective, I manage to pull some wisdom out of nowhere. That's God for you!

#2. As silly as it seems, since he's been gone, I've been getting back to my normal sleep schedule. No more frantic evenings of talking on the phone- trying to soak up as much time with one another as possible before the phone calls become nearly non-existent and time together is reduced to a fleeting "Hi-I'm-alive-Bye" conversation or a hurried email sent from an internet cafe. Now, I go to bed early. Sort of depressing to think that I have nothing to stay up for... But nonetheless, I enjoy my 9:30 bedtimes. Because now, I get to wake up early and exercise. And I'm spending an awful lot of time exercising. Gotta get my emotions out somewhere!

#3. The most important thing I've been given in the past few days is a renewed vigor for leaning on the Lord. It's amazing how much of the time I try to do it all on my own. And it's for nothing! God WANTS to carry this burden for me. I praise him for being so patient with me as I try to wrestle my anxious heart back from him. I mean, COME ON, I need that anxious heart- it may be flawed, but it's my flaw and I want it back. For security purposes. But it doesn't take long to place it back at His feet. This six weeks is my chance to refocus, renew and refresh my heart, finding my joy in the Lord.

That being said... I am missing someone. Nothing is going to change that... but I am going to look for every gosh darn positive thing I can muster up out of this situation.